It’s 4 am and I havent slept a wink. Jim’s got my head so messed up. I’m scared to sleep and I don’t know why. All I can do is lay here with tears running down my cheeks listening to Jim sleep next to me. He still hasnt moved into the spare room even though we’re not together.

We were both invited to a bonfire at Bella’s house. We both went. I absolutely love Bella and her family. They saw things well before I did and her husband warned me although I thought he was joking at the time. Im not so sure anymore.

This was the first time since we broke up that I’ve been there. Of course I was welcome and Bella went out of her way for me. For the first time I relaxed, forgot all the bs going on at home and enjoyed myself. They had me laughing and I enjoyed the peace of the fire under the stars in the quiet, clear country. It was beautiful. The first time in a long time I felt joy and peace and like I could be myself.

There were things brought up about mine and Jim’s relationship. Jim started talking about all the young women he could get now. The topic of him being controlling came up which he denied of course and then asked me if he had been controlling as Bella had pointed out. I knew he wanted me to say no but I kept quiet. I didn’t say much about our relationship in the group discussion except for a whispered admission to Bella which I realize was wrong of me but no one but her and I knew.

We left late and I knew i was going to get an earful when we got home. I didn’t know about what exactly but I knew Jim enough by now to know something was coming. I was correct. He told me i had forgotten who had brought me to this beautiful state. He reminded me that he had warned me about disrespecting him. I swear I didn’t! Well except for the whisper that he didn’t know about. I asked him how I disrespected him and he wouldn’t tell me. Just that I was disrespectful and he had warned me. I went to bed and he went to the living room to watch TV. I have been laying here for 4 hours replaying the night, crying and feeling scared and worthless.

I honestly don’t know what I’m scared of. Sure he’s threatened me but he’s done that plenty of times. He’s threatened to shoot me. He’s threatened to cut me up and feed me to the local wildlife. He’s threatened to burn me and send my remains to my children. But he didn’t threaten me tonight. All he said was I warned you not to disrespect me. And perhaps thats the scariest thought of all. A reminder of a warning. An awareness that i hadn’t done the right thing somehow. So I lay here 4 and a half hours later writing to you, exhausted, wide awake and crying. Sometimes I feel it would be better if he followed through. I know what its like to be physically hurt in a relationship. Thats over quickly. The mental torture is worse. Sometimes I wish for death.

I’ll be ok. Just not today

I’ve tried to accept everything the way Jim wanted it. Ive tried to do everything that made Jim happy. I did it all until I couldn’t do it anymore. Until I couldnt deal with his abuse. I ended the relationship a week ago.

Jim told me i was making the biggest mistake of my entire life and I’d come to regret it. He wanted to continue a sexual relationship and to continue to live together and share a bed. And at first I agreed. I know, I know, it sounds stupid. But I was afraid of his reaction if I said no. For almost a week, he told me how I’d come to my senses soon and id see how wrong I was and we’d be back together. He still kissed me, we still slept together and I was still miserable.

Two days ago I told Jim i want my own room. Im on the lease too and we’re both paying half. Im entitled to my own space. We agreed we’d both stay here so we don’t have the penalties for breaking the lease. As long as im not in danger, that’s what I’m going to do. He started yelling and got very angry that I want my own room. He said im hurting him and that I just don’t care about his feelings.

Today I got the courage to tell him i dont want to continue a sexual relationship. We’re just friends and im not comfortable. He told me he’s moving out then because now its pointless to stay. Then he told me im mentally unstable. He pointed out all of the ways im ruining my life and sabatoging every good thing I have going for me. Later he called me and apologized. He said he’s not leaving because hes not going to hurt himself by breaking the lease. He said he said i was unstable out of anger. There’s always a mind game being played.

There is nothing left to my knowledge that could possibly lead Jim to think i want a relationship with him. I just wish I knew how to avoid the conversations he starts about how I destroyed his life, how im destroying my own life, him rehashing how the last year of our relationship went (his version) , everything I did wrong and my poor judgment and (in his opinion) my poor mental health.

Its the fourth of July. We’re spending it separately. We were both invited to the same party. After this morning’s escapades of him calling me mentally unstable etc, I texted my friend and told her I couldn’t make it. Its the fourth of July and im watching Amazon Prime Video and eating a fresh fruit salad i made. Im by myself and for the first time in a long time, I’m content.

Until Jim comes home

We left Jim’s mom’s condo and and headed on to finish out my vacation camping. It was Jim’s idea and like everything else I said it sounded good to me. I was such a people pleaser and just wanted to do what made others happy.

Jim liked motorcycles. He planned to spend his life riding. I really had only been on one once and didnt care for them one way or another so when Jim said let’s go riding i didnt hesitate. We went for a ride and when he didnt see the stop sign til last minute he locked up the brakes and we went down. I fractured my knee and spent the remainder of my vacation on crutches in pain on a campground. Jim told everyone it was my fault that I got hurt because I wasn’t holding on tight enough. I was sure I was but so as not to argue with him i said he was right.

So my vacation was spent doing day trips in his truck together followed by nights alone while he went out with his family on his bike. It was the first time I had been out of state on a vacation since my husband and I were together over 10 years ago. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Sure it was difficult doing it with a broken leg but, hey, at least I wasn’t alone.

When my vacation was almost over Jim and I discussed our relationship. We decided to move in together. I decided I wasn’t going to go home to live. I’d go home to get my stuff from my parents’ house and go to my son’s graduation but that was it. I had hoped to go home for a month or so first, get my stuff together, talk to my parents, visit with family before leaving and go to my son’s graduation. When I told Jim that’s what I wanted he told me he would drive there once. Basically, I could go for my son’s graduation and would have to pack it all up and talk to my parents etc all in that one weekend. That wasn’t how I wanted it to go but I didn’t want to upset Jim and it just seemed easier to do things his way. That ended up costing me my relationship with my parents, my son didnt talk to me for a little over 6 months and my daughter was upset at the way i walked away. I couldn’t blame anyone for that. It was a bad decision.

So I moved out of state and in with a guy that I’d only been dating for 3 months. I rationalized that if something were to happen, I may not know anyone but I could make it on my own. I hoped. Besides, nothing was going to happen. We were happy.

Jim wanted an open relationship. Kind of. What he meant by open was that he could see anyone he wanted to and i could see any WOMAN I wanted to. I had told him once I had been with a woman. I never said I wanted to see women or even that I was interested in women. He assumed that. He wanted that, it turned him on. I should have told him the truth but at this point, I didn’t want him to leave. I knew if I didn’t offer exactly what he wanted, we wouldn’t have a relationship. So I agreed to his open relationship, to going on the road on his bike (even though at this point I was scared of it) and to moving a woman in with us. That was another of his suggestions. Why was I so willing to sacrifice what I wanted for a relationship? Why was I so easily manipulated?

I had no plans of getting into a new relationship but I wasn’t very good at staying out of one either so I guess it was inevitable that after 3 dates we became a couple.

Jim had been planning to leave the state and start over and follow his dreams to travel. When he left we kept in touch with video chat every night and he called me several times a day too. He bought me a cell phone under his plan because I was paying so much for mine. My mother was sure it was just a way of controlling me and why did we need to be in contact 6 times a day? Mom thought that was a red flag too. Jim was just caring, thoughtful and concerned about my happiness.

So he invited me on a 2 week vacation to visit him. He was going to pay my airfare and everything I needed while I was there. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to spend time together! We had talked about how if the visit went well maybe I’d move with him. I had my kids to think about though so I’d wait until my youngest graduated which was only 1 month away. They lived with their dad anyway and didn’t need me. We went straight from the airport to one of his mom’s condos where we’d be staying for a couple of days. Thats where it all started going wrong.

We had talked about sex before and he had said some weird and disturbing stuff that he wanted to do. I was positive he was joking though. Who would really want to inflict pain and humiliation on someone during sex?? I had been molested, raped, emotionally and verbally abused before but I was not prepared for this. The physical pain, the humiliation and degradation I felt, and when I said stop, when I had tears streaming down my face begging him to stop because he was hurting me, he said ,”I’ll stop when I’m done”. I froze, went limp and prayed for it to be over soon. When he was done I cried and told Jim I wanted to go home. I dont know what happened to me, but I never did go home. I had allowed it to happen and actually stayed! At this point we had only been dating for 2 months.

A little over a year ago I reconnected with Jim. We had met and spoken a few times 6 years ago. Jim took me on a few dates and I just knew this relationship would be different. Here is a guy who would treat me like a queen. I wouldn’t be raped, controlled, insulted or emotionally abused like I had been in my marriage of 15 years. I wouldn’t be manipulated like a previous relationship after my marriage ended. This would be great, a healthy relationship! We met at a church after all.

I learned that Jim was coming out of a bad relationship too. After a few dates he told me a bit about his past. The things he had worked to overcome. He was in prison many years ago. I found out later on he actually had a 13 page record. He used to be physically violent to women, verbally abusive and controlling as well. But he wasn’t like that anymore. He told me how much he’s changed.

As I’m typing right now, Jim told me get off my phone. I’ll add more tomorrow. Be safe everyone